New Moon: the Remix
by CeceTheFatty
Summary: New Moon the way it should has been told.. with a ghetto Bella and a drunken Charlie things are going to get a little crazy


Bella was running through a field all human like and what not. She saw an old woman. "NANNY, NANNY IS THAT YOU? NANNY I THOUGHT YOU HAD DIED GUH!" The woman said nothing. "IS YOU DEAF BEYOTCH? CUZ I'M TALKING TO YOU!" It was like the woman was trying to say words, but she was more so just mouthing them. Suddenly Edward came out of nowhere sparkling and such like he normally did when it was sunny outside. He stood beside the woman and put his arm around her waist. "OKAY LOOK NANNY EDWARD IS MY MAN OKAY? GET TO STEPPING WITH YO OLD WRINKLY SELF." The woman did not move. "OKAY THAT'S IT!" Bella began to run toward the woman with full speed and the woman did the same. When they got to the middle of where they had been standing they ran into something. Glass went into Bella's fist. She held up her fist and looked up. The woman had glass in her fist as well. Bella moved her fist at the same time the woman moved hers and stuck her tongue the same time the woman did. "Whoa it's like she's reflecting everything I do. As if this is a mirror of my future or something. HARDCORE SHI- ***beep beep beep*** Bella's alarm went off. _It was all just a dream?_ Bella thought to herself. Her thoughts were suddenly interrupted.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY BEYOTCH!" Bella's dad, Charlie, yelled in his drunk voice as he stumbled into her room. "DAD YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT MY BIRTHDAY!" Bella yelled. Yelling is the Swan family way of communication. "Look I got you this cool camera and yo momma got you this lil book to put pictures in! Oh crap imma be late for work. AMF!" and with that Charlie was off to the police station. When Bella got to school her old friends were all together talking about hanging out after school. "Shanaynay said she would score us some marijuan- Heyy Bella!" said Mike. "Hey can I take a pic of you guys for my picture book?" Bella asked. "HELLZ YEAH BEYOTCH!" exclaimed Jessica. ***click*** "Thanks. Adios Mutha Fu- EDWARD!" Bella ran to her boyfriend. "Happy birthday," Edward said emotionlessly. He handed her something. "A DVD? REALLY EDWARD?" she opened it. "OMGah, Wicked… you got me Wicked? You're the best boyfriend ever!" They started kissing. "You need to get to class," Edward said still showing no emotion. Bella rolled her eyes. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY BELLA!" A tiny pale girl with short brown hair appeared. It was Alice, Edward's sister. Alice handed Bella a box. "You're gonna love it!" Alice exclaimed. It was a gorgeous dress that was just Bella's size. "I uh… love it," Bella said with a confused expression on her face. "JASPER WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT USING MOOD CONTROL ON ME? I SWEAR I'M GONNA FREAKING KILL YOU ONE OF THESE DAYS!" yelled Bella. "Nice to see you too, Bella… happy birthday," Jasper retorted. "Bella we would love it if you could come over to the house tonight!" said Alice trying to keep a grudge match from starting. Bella looked at Edward who looked into her eyes with an emotionless gaze. "I'll pick you up at 6," Edward declared. "What if I don't wanna go?" Bella argued. Edward rolled his eyes. "Wear the dress Alice gave you. I think you'll look nice in it," and with that Edward was gone.

It was 5:57 and Bella had not even begun to get ready. She didn't want to go to the Cullen's house. Rosalie was mean to her and Jasper stared at her. He didn't even stare in a good way… it was more of you look like a steak, girl and I am one hungry fella. Edward acts like he doesn't even care anymore. It just would be more of a hassle than fun tonight. Speaking of the devil, Edward appeared into her room. "Why aren't you ready?" Edward asked still showing no signs of emotion. "IT'S OKAY FOR ME TO BE FASIONABLY LATE FOR MY OWN PARTY!" Bella exclaimed. While she was ranting Edward got bored and threw the dress over her clothes she had on then grabbed her shirt and quickly pulled it over her head. He didn't dare try for her shorts. Edward was a gentleman like that. Bella shook her head. She couldn't believe that Edward had gotten her ready in the quick time that she was bitching to him. He was really amazing, but she would never let him know she thought that. This was one of those moments she was glad he couldn't see her thoughts.

The moment she walked through the door she could smell the bitchy vibe Rosalie was sending off. She also noticed the stare Jasper was sending her. He was basically all but drooling. "SHE'S HERE EVERYONE!" squealed Alice. "Happy birthday Bella," said Esme, Edward's mother, as she hugged Bella. "It's her birthday?" Rosalie asked as if she was annoyed. "No bitch I'm just here because I heard there was going to be free food!" Bella retorted curtly. "OKAY, time to open presents!" Alice said trying to keep another fight from happening. "Yeah Bella I got you a hella awesome sound system for that piece of crap truck of yours!" said Emmett as if he just found a cure for cancer. "Um, thanks?" Bella said questioning if it was a good thing or an insult. Bella opened her presents and was very happy with what they got her. Carlisle and Esme got her a sweater and jeans. Jasper and Alice got her a book by her favorite author, Dr. Suesse. Rosalie obviously got her nothing, but claimed the sound system was her idea. Edward got her the most beautiful necklace she had ever seen. Edward placed it around her neck with gentle ease. "All right time to eat some cake!" Bella said. Bella cut a piece of cake, but she apparently cut her thumb also. "OUCH! MOTHER THERESSA THIS HURTS LIKE HELL!" Bella yelled as he thumb continued to bleed. Jasper licked his lips and got into a running position. He leaped toward her and she thought this would be the end. Suddenly a marble statue like figure was in front of her blocking the blood thirsty vampire. "REALLY JASPER, WHAT THE HELL?" yelled Edward actually showing feelings for once. Before he could think he pushed Bella back into the wall and pushed Jasper into his prize possession, his piano. "LEAVE NOW!" Edward growled. Bella was getting turned on by Edward's anger or maybe it was just the fact that she was about to bleed to death. "I'm going to patch up your wounds for you, Bella," Carlisle calmly told her. He seemed to be the only calm one in this chaotic situation.

"Edward what happened with Jasper wasn't your fault," Bella said trying to calm her boyfriend. "BITCH I KNOW IT WASN'T MY FAULT!" Edward exclaimed. "It still doesn't change the fact you were attacked by a vampire and one in my family for that matter," he continued. Bella thought about how protective he was being and smiled. "It's still my birthday. Can I ask for something?" said Bella. "What?" Edward asked feeling a little annoyed. "Can you carry me to my room? Those stairs are a heffa to climb and I'm already in pain," Bella said in all seriousness. Before she knew it she was wearing her pajamas and tucked in bed. "Thanks," Bella said in a soft voice. Edward kissed her head. "Sweet dreams," and with that he was gone. Bella quickly fell asleep. When she woke up the next morning there was a text on her phone. **Last night was the last time you'll see me. Luff yew. By the way I took Wicked back. **_What the hell? _Bella thought. That's the last thing Bella remembered before she passed out. "Bella are you okay?" Charlie asked in his hung over voice. "What? Yeah I'm fine." Bella responded sleepily. "Oh good cause you were asleep for like 2 days," Charlie said as if it was the most usual thing in the world "Edward called you yesterday." Bella got excited. "WHY DIDN'T YOU COME GET ME? HE REALLY CALLED?" she asked furiously. "Haha nope. It's over beyotch!" Charlie announced as he left the room. There was a tap at the window _Edward_ Bella thought. She opened the window and an unfamiliar voice yelled. It was Jacob. "Haven't seen you in a while Bella… how have you been?" he asked awkwardly.


End file.
